I was looking back at some of my writings and I came upon this piece I wrote on March 1, 2003. It is new to me as I copy it, as I haven't seen it for almost 3 years, so here goes a walk down memory lane for me.
Funny how our lives move so much faster when we were children. I can't quite figure out why that is so. The days' lengths are the same, "the hours, the minutes, the seconds." Is it because the older we are, our lives seem to be shortening faster toward our final destination? Or could it be this relentless sphere we live on called Earth, won't allow us to shorten our stride through body, mind and soul?
How old am I? That is a difficult question to answer. My body is one age, but my mind and soul? My mind age has tremendously out-distanced my body age, while my soul age fluctuates between my birth to now, and when the time comes, through eternity. My soul? I know I have had one since my beginning, my conception, although I didn't know it until I allowed God into my life.
As I look back upon my life, periodically recording it in a journal, like I am doing now, recapping childhood memories, those unforgettable teenage years, the falling-in-love phase and my life extending beyond. I don't know exactly when I started battling my own inner demons!
Maybe that is why I know somehow a divine spirit seemed to always walk beside me, because I am still among the living!
Unhappiness? When and where is its origin? Could it be as soon as we are aware of our own surroundings as a child?
Memories! Are they fact or are they memories relayed to us by others? Whatever the case, they make up a part of who we are, who we will become. We are bits and pieces of this person or that person. We are personified by some aspects of our environment, while the rest of us is rounded out by events throughout our lives:the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the just and the unjust!
What makes a person not want to live? Shadows of suicide start to infiltrate a young mind. I don't remember when my demons, my suicidal thoughts became a part of me.
I remember being a happy child, a sad child, an unforgiving child of one's self.I found out taking 6 aspirins at one time didn't make you sleepy, much less dead! How old was I then? Twelve maybe! I never tried to take my own life again, just thought about all the ways it could be done.
Why would these thoughts become a part of me? The demons rear their ugly heads and my Divine Father is there to scatter those thoughts to the four winds. Until the next time and the time after.
Depression? I know it runs through the family, in my genes! Why did I share my feelings with two family members? After all these years of silence of my personal secret thoughts, why would I suddenly share that information?
It's easy to call myself all kinds of stupid-it's almost an everyday occurrence. I'm my own worst critic, my own worst enemy!
Who would possibly guess the friendly, patient, giving person I show to others, in reality an unhappy, self-destructive human being? Not all the time by no means.
My beautiful family, my loyal friends, my Christian family are my saving grace. I thank God for them everyday. The blessings I have upon this earth far outweigh my evil thoughts of self-destruction. After all, I certainly don't want to go to hell for eternity.
My fondest wish is that God forgives me for my slips and slides through my earthly walk, I stumble everyday and when I pray, I feel the loving, saving hands of Our God, pick me up and dust me off.
It's hard to say how many times, whether microscopic moments or lengthy years will my Heavenly Father have the patience to still love me, still forgive me, still bend down to help pick me back up? Day after day, year after year, I beg, I plead for God to forgive me, even though I knowingly performed un-God-like infractions, whether it's talking too much, sharing too much, gossiping too much or not doing enough of the things I should be doing. Praying for others, reading the Bible, get out of my self-induced shell to visit the widows, visit the nursing homes, taking necessary items to those less fortunate than myself.
I really don't know what I will accomplish by writing down my thoughts for whatever they are worth.
[EMOTICON:CONFUSED1]]
I gave a title to this little entry, "That One Brief Moment." I'm not sure what I mean by that. Maybe all of those brief moments make up a lifetime of who a person is.
Why do I feel so compelled to jot down my sometimes disjointed thoughts? Do I really want those whom I love the most upon this earth read some of these thoughts I write down? Will I break down and destroy my journals before my life ebbs away toward what I hope will be my heavenly home? I destroyed my diary I had kept for many years-so afraid my mom and dad would somehow read all of those entries that was a part of who I was as a teenager. In a way I wish I still had those writings. Maybe if I could go back and read the words I have long ago forgotten what they were, just the essence of what they meant.
Mostly, a very unhappy girl in an unhappy home environment. There were good times, even great times, but too often there were sad times. Times of non encouragement, non hugs, non I Love Yous. It effected all of us. That can be seen by how each one of us turned out. I won't embellish on my siblings. I only know each one of them have been battling their own demons and because of that, one came very close to letting the demons rule his life and forever be lost, with no hope to find his way to God.
My brother asked God to forgive him before he pulled the trigger and God answered his prayer. He has a second chance to seek Him out. I pray that he will. He definitely had That One Brief Moment!
I think back about those friends who died so young, so tragically.
Kay put a bullet in her head shortly after graduation from high school, Johnny and Richard in such a senseless war in Viet Nam. Justin in Kosovo, Hollie with cancer, Jason, like my brother and Kay, put a bullet in his head and the list goes on and on.
[EMOTICON:SAD2]]
Yet life keeps going on, for those who are happy or those who are sad. Life is what we decide to make of it, whether we are here a short time or keep on going like that silly pink bunny pounding on that annoying drum.
Mr.Bailey died this morning. What a dear soul he was and so ready to be taken into the Lord's loving arms! That's what I want to have if it be God's will. To have That One Brief Moment in time to be worthy enough to go to heaven instead of descending into the depths of hell.
